Mommy Kahdib

Dear Emerson (45 months),

Monday, March 29, 2010

Dear Emmie-Bemmie,

This has not been a very fun month...for me or for you. We found out almost three weeks ago that the baby we were all so excited for passed away. You have been such a brave brave girl. You have run the gammet of emotions and I know you are still struggling to understand it all. Last night in bed you asked me if I wanted to say prayers to God and I did...you said, "Dear God, I don't know why you took our baby up to heaven, but please take good care of her...amen." Then you said you needed to say another prayer. The next prayer you said, "God, I'm still not sure why you wanted our baby but can you please not take the next one? Amen." Then you stroked my face and you fell asleep. You talk about the baby daily. You've started sucking your thumb and crying when I drop you off and pick you up at preschool because, you say, you are scared that I will go to heaven to be with the baby. And while I can make no promises about when I will die, I just keep reassuring you that I will be here for you no matter what.



You talk about the baby to everyone. You say things with no reservation like, "Mom, you've got the biggest belly in Target but if anyone asks about it you'll have to say, nope, sorry, baby died." Or we'll be sitting in a waiting room full of strangers and you feel the need to let them in on our sadness...you are so innocent and amazing that it actually helps me to hear you process it all outloud. You make it real. You make it important. You let me know that it is normal to hurt, we lost something really special. So thank you for that!



You also have insisted on wearing shorts and short sleeves but it is still only about 40-50 degrees here most days so I have to convince you to dress a bit warmer. This past weekend in your shorts you ran to see Daddy and fell and scraped your knee and your face...you were not too pleased and oh so dramatic. They weren't horrible booboos and we gave you many many cuddles and kisses and some neosporin plus pain relief and a big Sponge Bob bandaid but you would wimper and carry on for the next three days about your booboo and how you couldn't move or it would hurt...or wear pants. Seriously it was a scrape, but it almost didn't draw blood. You didn't want to go to the park or take a tub and you wanted me to carry you. Then yesterday on the way to the dentist you fell in the exact same spot...thankfully you had on pants and while it was very dramatic again (and poor thing you were shaking from the adrenaline) thankfully we could still go to the park in the afternoon...and there was no blood at all this time. I wonder if you just need to get used to your crocs again or if we should toss them and just do sneakers this summer?



So yes, the dentist. You've had some issues since your teeth came in...your front two teeth are missing a little bit of enamel in the middle. We work really hard at keeping your teeth shiny and clean all the time...sadly though you had the beginnings of two cavities in a back bottom left molar and the upper back right molar. They thought they could do them both yesterday, and you were doing really well, and then they did the bumpy drill and you were ok for about 20 seconds and then you lost it. You cried and gagged and screamed while they finished up and we decided to wait two weeks to do the next one. Daddy and I were so sad for you and now we've upped that brushing and flossing and are really trying to help you keep those teeth even cleaner than clean. The dentist didn't want me to go with you, but I ignored that and sat next to you and held your hand the whole time...I don't think he would have even gotten you to open your mouth if I hadn't been sitting next to you. I don't think either of us are looking forward to the next appointment but we'll get through it together.



You keep telling me that spring is around the corner...you are so excited to play outside more and not have to wear a coat and all the fun stuff that goes along with spring. I'm excited to garden with you this summer and spend a lot of time at the beach. I think we'll do some swimming lessons as well..you love the water but you're a little nervous about going in on your own and learning to swim. I think a swim teacher would be good for you!



You and Chase are growing closer everyday. You were running to each other at the playground yesterday and each time you would end up in a big hug. You hug each other for bed and love to wrestle and play and giggle together. I can't wait to see your relationship with him grow and change over time. I hope you'll always be able to come back to this innocent time where you forgive so freely and trust so much in each others intentions...



I love you little bean,
Mommy

I wish today that I was telling you you were having a baby brother or sister...I should have gone in at 3:30pm today to find out. I hope that someday in the future I can give you another brother or sister because I feel like someone is missing in our family and you are such an amazing big sister.


**I wrote this on March 11, on March 12th I found out that my bio dad, and your grandfather Paul passed away...it has taken a while to post this...and in the meantime you have shown me that you are such a caring and compassionate little kid...each day you ask me if I am sad about that baby, sad about Paul-Paul and wonder how my cornea is feeling since your brother scratched it....you have a beautiful soul and I am proud to be your mama.